Disney’s Special Agent Oso is a teddy bear that is in training to become a spy (akin to James Bond) for U.N.I.Q.U.E, a super secret Government Agency where… things happen …or something. Nobody really knows. Spy stuff.
The problem is, Special Agent Oso is kind of an idiot.
This becomes a problem because in each episode, he is put in charge of teaching equally ‘challenged’ children important life lessons.
There are many episodes… and of course, many important life lessons learned… but we at Armchair thought we’d share the most important ones WE have learned from our favorite kid’s show… Special Agent Oso.
Lesson 1: Parents Couldn’t POSSIBLY Care Less about Their Kids:
The show always starts with a child on the other side of the planet from Oso, unblinkingly staring at a normal household object.
This is because the brain-dead little punk has once again forgotten how to do something that humans know how to do at the moment of birth. Timmy COULD ask his parents to help, but the parents on this show really couldn’t care less about their children’s well-being. They are WAY too busy doing stuff to be answering stupid questions.
Timmy: “Daddy, I forgot how to chew my own food, can you help me?”
Dad: (not even looking up): “Well jeez son, I would love to, but I don’t care enough to stop washing this one dish over and over again. Then I have to go read the paper. You’re on your own, kid. You will be for the rest of your life.”
Timmy: “I wish I knew how to chew my own food, I’m so hungry.”
(Spy Music Interlude)
We then cut to Oso doing spy stuff somewhere in the world, and because the child’s parent “Has to finish watching the Microwave cook the food first” or “finish standing out in the front yard first,” he is commanded by Mr. Dos to RUSH to their aid.
Mr. Dos: “Special Agent Oso, you are clearly all the way on the opposite side of the planet, but we want you to go to New Jersey to help Timmy eat before his Dad is done reading the paper.”
Oso: “Mr. Dos… I would think that by the time I get on the plane it will have worked itself out, so why d…”
Mr. Dos: “SILENCE! You need to go to Timmy’s house immediately!”
Mr. Dos: “Hurry, Oso. Timmy only has about 17 minutes left to live!”
Oso: “But how am I going to…”
Mr. Dos: “JUST GO!”
Lesson 2: Mr. Dos is Watching You Poop
Mr. Dos finds out which kids need help because of the Shutterbugs, (Ladybug Robots with cameras) which have illegally broken into houses across the planet, and has begun filming your family as they get dressed and ready for work. Shutterbug then sends these candid videos to Oso’s Boss ‘Mr. Dos,’ via satellite for him to watch in his office alone.
Lesson 3: All is Forgiven if You Say “It’s All Part of the Plan…More or Less”
Also in each episode, in a fever of stupidity, Oso ends up destroying billions of dollars of military and government grade equipment, because he doesn’t listen to instructions.
After destroying 3 years of research and 36 people die in a fiery explosion, Oso says:
“It’s all part of the plan…more or less” (followed by a “Wooomp woooomp” trombone sound) and the episode continues like nothing ever happened.
Wolfie: “Okay Agent Oso, today we are going to learn how to wash the outside of your Spy Train, R.R. Rapide! Make sure and pay attention, because for some reason someone put the “Water” button right next to the “Hammer of The Gods” Atomic Nuclear Weapon button side by side.
Now remember, the blue button turns on the water spigot, the red button will bring a nuclear holocaust across western Europe and will kill billions of people.”
Oso: (Looks at Camera) “I forgot, which button did he tell me to push?”
Wolfie: “Oso, I’m standing right here and I just told you not to..”
Oso: “I like the color red let’s push that!”
Wolfie: “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T P….
Oso: It’s all part of the plan… more or less. (Wooomp wooomp)
Mr. Dos: ”Special Agent Oso, Mr. Dos here, preliminary reports indicate that you have just killed 72 million people… but Cindy in Southern Nevada needs help wiping her mouth with a napkin! Get there immediately and help out!”
Oso: “Yes Sir!”
(Spy Music Interlude)
Lesson 4: Oso is An Unholy Abomination
Special Agent Oso is described as a “Unique Stuffed Bear.”
In a scene that could have been one of the best examples of Modern Existentialism, Oso came face to face with a lifeless stuffed animal.
Alas, because he is incapable of having a soul or feelings, it didn’t phase him. But it does bring up the question “How did he get this way?”
He is a “Unique Stuffed Bear.” Stuffed with what? Human organs and electricity? Witchcraft?
The fact that he was built in a lab using human organs and felt material, would explain why he is not fully capable of intelligence.
A typical teaching moment with Oso goes like this:
(Paw Pilot teaches Timmy and Oso how to chew their own food…)
Step 1: Open your mouth!
Oso: Wow, that’s sounds tricky! What’s a mouth?
Timmy: I don’t know! I’m so hungry!
Oso: “Is this a mouth?” Oso points at his ear. “No! That’s an ear!”
“Is this a mouth?” Oso points his foot. “No! That’s a foot!”
“Is this a mouth?” Oso points at the dog. “No! That’s a dog!”
“Is this a mouth?” Oso points to the sky. “No! That’s the sky!”
“Is this a mouth?…”
Paw Pilot: “Oh FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! It’s the hole under your nose!”
Oso: “OOOOOH! That’s my mouth!”
In closing, there is only one conclusion:
Mr. Dos’ Spy Organization should be cut from their funding and shut down under the Obama Administration, and Oso should be decommissioned and stuffed with normal stuffed bear parts.