Things We’ve Learned from Disney’s Special Agent Oso

Voodrew February 10, 2012 13

Disney’s Special Agent Oso is a teddy bear that is in training to become a spy (akin to James Bond) for U.N.I.Q.U.E, a super secret Government Agency where… things happen …or something. Nobody really knows. Spy stuff.

The problem is, Special Agent Oso is kind of an idiot.

Special Agent Oso is a Moron

This becomes a problem because in each episode, he is put in charge of teaching equally ‘challenged’  children important life lessons.

There are many episodes… and of course, many important life lessons learned… but we at Armchair thought we’d share the most important ones WE have learned from our favorite kid’s show… Special Agent Oso.

Lesson 1: Parents Couldn’t POSSIBLY Care Less about Their Kids:

The show always starts with a child on the other side of the planet from Oso, unblinkingly staring at a normal household object.

This is because the brain-dead little punk has once again forgotten how to do something that humans know how to do at the moment of birth. Timmy COULD ask his parents to help, but the parents on this show really couldn’t care less about their children’s well-being. They are WAY too busy doing stuff to be answering stupid questions.

Timmy: “Daddy, I forgot how to chew my own food, can you help me?”

Dad: (not even looking up): “Well jeez son, I would love to, but I don’t care enough to stop washing this one dish over and over again. Then I have to go read the paper. You’re on your own, kid. You will be for the rest of your life.”

Timmy: “I wish I knew how to chew my own food, I’m so hungry.”

(Spy Music Interlude)

We then cut to Oso doing spy stuff somewhere in the world, and because the child’s parent “Has to finish watching the Microwave cook the food first” or “finish standing out in the front yard first,” he is commanded by Mr. Dos to RUSH to their aid.

Mr. Dos: “Special Agent Oso, you are clearly all the way on the opposite side of the planet, but we want you to go to New Jersey to help Timmy eat before his Dad is done reading the paper.”

Oso: “Mr. Dos… I would think that by the time I get on the plane it will have worked itself out, so why d…”

Mr. Dos: “SILENCE! You need to go to Timmy’s house immediately!”

Oso: “Ok!”

Mr. Dos: “Hurry, Oso. Timmy only has about 17 minutes left to live!”

Oso: “But how am I going to…”

Mr. Dos: “JUST GO!”

Oso: “OK!”

Oso: “You mean I was just ON THE MOON …and I came all the way down here …and your Dad is sitting right next to you? I was ON A (&%$*#) MOONBASE! DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THAT WAS? HEY DAD!!! HOW ABOUT YOU CARE FOR YOUR OWN KID… COME AT ME BRO! COME AT ME!”
 

Lesson 2: Mr. Dos is Watching You Poop

Mr. Dos finds out which kids need help because of the Shutterbugs, (Ladybug Robots with cameras)  which have illegally broken into houses across the planet, and has begun filming your family as they get dressed and ready for work.  Shutterbug then sends these candid videos to Oso’s Boss ‘Mr. Dos,’  via satellite for him to watch in his office alone.

This is especially creepy in the episode titled License to Dress in which Shutterbug finds out that a little boy Frank can’t dress on his own. Oso runs over there immediately and they get dressed together.
Mom: ”Special Agent Oso! Thank you for breaking into my house and filming my son get dressed! I was busy in the other room rearranging the pillows on the couch!”
 

Lesson 3: All is Forgiven if You Say “It’s All Part of the Plan…More or Less”

Also in each episode, in a fever of stupidity, Oso ends up destroying billions of dollars of military and government grade equipment, because he doesn’t listen to instructions.

After destroying 3 years of research and 36 people die in a fiery explosion, Oso says:

“It’s all part of the plan…more or less” (followed by a “Wooomp woooomp” trombone sound) and the episode continues like nothing ever happened.

Wolfie: “Okay Agent Oso, today we are going to learn how to wash the outside of your Spy Train, R.R. Rapide! Make sure and pay attention, because for some reason someone put the “Water” button right next to the “Hammer of The Gods” Atomic Nuclear Weapon button side by side.

Now remember, the blue button turns on the water spigot, the red button will bring a nuclear holocaust across western Europe and will kill billions of people.”

Oso: (Looks at Camera) “I forgot, which button did he tell me to push?”

Wolfie: “Oso, I’m standing right here and I just told you not to..”

Oso: “I like the color red let’s push that!”

Wolfie: “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T P….

Oso: It’s all part of the plan… more or less. (Wooomp wooomp)

Mr. Dos: ”Special Agent Oso, Mr. Dos here, preliminary reports indicate that you have just killed 72 million people… but Cindy in Southern Nevada needs help wiping her mouth with a napkin! Get there immediately and help out!”

Oso: “Yes Sir!”

(Spy Music Interlude)

Lesson 4: Oso is An Unholy Abomination

Special Agent Oso is described as a “Unique Stuffed Bear.”

In a scene that could have been one of the best examples of Modern Existentialism,  Oso came face to face with a lifeless stuffed animal.

Alas, because he is incapable of having a soul or feelings, it didn’t phase him. But it does bring up the question “How did he get this way?”

He is a “Unique Stuffed Bear.” Stuffed with what? Human organs and electricity? Witchcraft?

The fact that he was built in a lab using human organs and felt material, would explain why he is not fully capable of intelligence.

A typical teaching moment with Oso goes like this:

(Paw Pilot teaches Timmy and Oso how to chew their own food…)

Step 1: Open your mouth!

Oso: Wow, that’s sounds tricky! What’s a mouth?

Timmy: I don’t know! I’m so hungry!

Oso: “Is this a mouth?” Oso points at his ear. “No! That’s an ear!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points his foot. “No! That’s a foot!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points at the dog. “No! That’s a dog!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points to the sky. “No! That’s the sky!”

“Is this a mouth?…”

Paw Pilot: “Oh FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! It’s the hole under your nose!”

Oso: “OOOOOH! That’s my mouth!”

………………………………

In closing, there is only one conclusion:

Mr. Dos’ Spy Organization should be cut from their funding and shut down under the Obama Administration, and Oso should be decommissioned and stuffed with normal stuffed bear parts.

 

 

13 Comments »

  1. Michelle Savage February 10, 2012 at 6:52 pm - Reply

    I can’t stand this show either! The episode where Oso & a child are responsible for making lunch for a friend with severe food allergies is especially nerve-wracking. Switch over to Little Einsteins and find happiness again.

  2. whitney February 11, 2012 at 9:22 am - Reply

    Omigosh, I just laughed so hard I almost peed myself!!! My husband and I used to say the exact same things about this show (in a much less clever way). We always used to laugh when the song would play “He’s so special, Oso special!” I think the whole parents being nonexistent thing must be a Disney theme, b/c Phineas and Ferb is my favorite cartoon, and I am constantly wondering why their parents are never around.

    “It’s the hole under your nose!” Lolololol!!!!!

  3. davenpoe February 13, 2012 at 3:13 pm - Reply

    LOLOLOL!! I love the smash-cut to a burning skeleton clinging to a fence! Best!

  4. Spencer February 13, 2012 at 3:20 pm - Reply

    I cried laughing at this!

  5. L October 17, 2012 at 2:53 am - Reply

    No so funny when you realize the creator of the show has a kid with autism. He conceptualized Special Agent Oso because he wanted to teach kids with similar disabilities how to break down a task (which is seemingly easy for us) into smaller, easy to do “steps” – a coping mechanism for kids with autism.

    • Anonymous November 28, 2012 at 10:36 pm - Reply

      Maybe it should be available for purchase to the parents with kids with autism as opposed to shoving this brain dead, poor excuse of an educational show down the throats of our nation’s youth.

    • davenpoe January 1, 2013 at 4:21 am - Reply

      Stand up comedians must love you.

  6. Ella November 26, 2012 at 12:43 pm - Reply

    Now that I read this, I totally agree! But I would still let my daughter watch it because , like, you can’t make them not watch something you don’t. think about it. In some ways it would be wrong lessons, but in other ways, they still teach some things that 4 year olds might not know. Like washing the dishes, for example. When they grow up, they will know.

  7. Bob March 3, 2013 at 9:58 am - Reply

    Specil agent oso is cute when he sad lol

  8. Bob April 3, 2013 at 7:20 pm - Reply

    Oso is dump to the bones

  9. Anonymous June 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm - Reply

    the article is funny, but you should remember it’s for small children, I would rather prefer my 2-year old watch Oso then Spongebob

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  11. Anonymous July 21, 2013 at 5:25 pm - Reply

    I bet that when it read, “decomissioned and stuffed with normal bear parts”, that reminded me of my Oso Comic Book 24, “The Clumsy
    Criminal”.

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