The 2013 Chairy Awards!!

Davenpoe January 1, 2014 0

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It’s that time again! As 2013 twerks into oblivion, we hope you’ll join us in kicking off a BRAND NEW YEAR with our BRAND NEW SITE as we look back, relax and call the shots!

Enjoy the FIFTH ANNUAL CHAIRY AWARDS!

 

Marketing

Worst Death of a Catchphrase: A Good Day to Die Hard “Yippe Ki-Yay Mother Russia”
Clearly this was an inside joke that someone forgot to take off the ideas board, right?

Most Overused “Youth Bait” Song: Icona Pop’s “I Love It”
Not only was this the CW’s flagship theme song this year, but it was in more trailers than Larry the Cable Guy.

Most Overused Girl Power Song:  M.I.A.’s “Bad Girls”
This song was featured in the trailer for The Heat which played before Identity Thief, which in turn featured the song in its opening credits – the end result was seven straight minutes of chains hitting our chest as we banged on the dashboard (what?)

Most Overused Boy Power Song:  Mackelmore’s “Thrift Shop”
Unlike “Bad Girls”, where the trailers and song actually match up thematically, we’re not sure why “Thrift Shop” showed up in the trailers for Pain & Gain and The Internship. Oh wait, it’s because the video had 470 million free YouTube views…that’s GOTTA translate to ticket sales, right? People on YouTube like paying for things, right? And speaking of The Internship…

Least Disguised Commercial Pretending to be a Movie Only It’s Not Even Really All That Disguised: The Internship
Can’t wait for next year’s “Bing” movie!

Google Internship

Longest Running Ad Campaign:  Carrie
Feels like we’ve been seeing this trailer since last year’s Chairy’s and we STILL aren’t sure if it came out yet!

The “Domino’s Pizza Award”  for Most Apologetic Campaign:  J.C.Penny

Most Desperate Marketing Trend: Being covered in women – Dracula, R. Kelly
Nothing screams “please pay attention to me” like photographing yourself lounging on a carpet of scantily clad women.  Except maybe, I dunno, pretending like a woman was violin and “playing” her onstage.

 

TV

Up Yours, Cable!:  Netflix
With the much-vaunted return of the Bluth family and the success of edgy newcomers House of Cards and Orange is the New Black under its belt, Netflix flipped Cable a great big digital bird in 2013.

Saddest Goodbye: 30Rock & Futurama
Though we agreed that both shows had run their courses, we were still sad to say goodbye to two of the smartest comedies to ever grace the small screen. So long, meatbags.  Blerg : \

Most Satisfying Series Finale:  Breaking Bad
Of all the finales we looked forward to, suffered through, and delighted in, the end of Walter White’s long journey had us cheering and crying  in a way that no other show had done in recent memory.  Amazing and perfect to the very last frame. One little kiss and Felina, good-bye.

Least Satisfying:  Dexter
Conversely, this gut-punch to its devoted fans completely diminishes the entire series.

EFF YOU Dexter!

 

Multi-est Multitasker:  Tatiana Maslany
Okay, so by now you’ve hopefully seen the amazing sci-fi sleeper Orphan Black, but man if you haven’t, please believe us when we say that Tatiana is the REAL DEAL, portraying over half this ensemble cast with ZERO overlap between characters!

Tatiana Maslany Clones

 

Nothing to See Here: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
This Life Model Decoy of a show has got to be the biggest disappointment of 2013. With the entire Marvel Universe at their disposal and one of the most sought-after creative pedigrees in its corner, this show’s creators chose to focus on the blandest team of blank-faced agents we’ve ever seen. If Agent Fury has any more of that Steve Rogers super serum on hand, better use it fast before this show atrophies into non-existence.

 SHIELD Zzzzz

Movies

2 Hour Fake Movie Trailer: Machete Kills
So, we know these started out as a fake trailer, but are these actually real movies or not? We saw them and STILL don’t know. They feel like fillers from a 17 hour director’s cut of Grindhouse.

Best Replacement for Sleep Medication: The Hangover Part III
This installment in a trilogy that’s about 2 movie too long, draws you into its world by making you feel as if you’ve been roofied and can’t figure out why you’re in the theatre. Cinéma vérité!

Best Movie We Don’t Remember Anything About: Pacific Rim
So here’s what we know… we bought a ticket. There were giant monsters. There were giant robots. They were fighting, we think?  There were some weapons…maybe? Feels like there was a sword at some point? Somebody gave a speech. There may have been some Kung fu. And also we had a blast. So why do we still feel like we haven’t seen the movie yet?

Mid-Career Crisis: The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
This is Ben Stiller’s red sports car. Like Ferrell in Stranger Than Fiction, Sandler in Punch Drunk Love, and Carrey in Enteral Sunshine, at some point all the greats decide to take a break from a slump and do a strange, whimsical drama.  Next on the list, date a yoga instructor.

Most Outlandish Premise: The Purge
This would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever happen.

Most Lovable Jerk: Tom Hiddleston’s Loki
Movie Police: Loki, I’m placing you under arrest.
Loki: For stealing the movie?
Movie Police: For stealing our hearts
Saxophone plays.

Lowest Self Esteem Due To Peer Pressure Issues:  DC Comics Entertainment
Listen guys, just because Marvel has had massive success with a big, unified movie universe, doesn’t mean you have to do it too. There’s no need to rush into these things. You have your whole lives ahead of you. Just enjoy your Batman movies. You’re good at that. If Marvel jumped off a cliff, would you? Why are you running toward that cliff?

Best 3D Conversion:  Jurassic Park 3D
We were blown away by how good Jurassic Park looked in 3D. Just goes to show that good directing works in every dimension.

“Jack Reacher Award” for Most Unintentional Porny Name:  Warm Bodies
Honorable mentions: Tyler Perry’s Temptation, The Way Way Back, Jobs, Fast and Furious, Bad Grandpa

WarmBodies

Biggest Argument against staying home and watching everything on TV: Gravity
Truly one of the most beautiful, overwhelming and immersive sights we’ve ever seen at the movies. We’re of course, referring to George Clooney’s face.

Butter Award (for being on a roll – haw!):  Kevin Fiege and Marvel Movies
You know way Marvel wins? because they believe in their product. As of this writing, the top comment on imgur is this:

DC: “Wonder Woman is a difficult character to work out on the big screen.”
Marvel: “Our next movie has a talking raccoon.””
Nuff said.

Biggest Geekgasm:  Day of the Doctor
Seeing David Tennant’s Doctor return with Matt Smith’s Doctor in the 50th Doctor Who Anniversary was pure GEEK BLISS. We need a sonic cigarette.

Been There, Done That, STILL Loved it Award:  Frozen
Yes, it’s a story starring Idina Menzel about two young women who are separated by circumstance until one of the girls decides to stop stifling the power that emotionally separates her from the pack by deciding to “Let it Go” and “Defy Gravity” in a show-stopping number before exiling herself to her own isolated kingdom where she is hunted by those who fear her newfound confidence and power in a thinly-veiled metaphor about puberty and sexual self-realization. But you know what? It’s still awesome.

Wait, that came out already?:  Kick Ass 2, Disney’s Planes, Riddick
What is it about some movies that just can’t seem to make an impact no matter how weak and uninspired they are? Oh, right.

Wow, a Decent Modern Horror Movie?:  The Conjuring
Yeah, that’s right. An exorcism movie that DOESN’T make you vomit pea soup.

Whaaaaaat?!?:  Despicable Me 2
Without being based on a comic book, novel or toy line, and without having the words “Disney” or “DreamWorks” attached to it, this movie about a fat, bald failed super villain-turned-dad somehow became the second highest grossing film of 2013…!

“John Travolta Award” for the Best Comeback: Pixar
Monsters University broke Pixar’s unfortunate recent run of underwhelming movies. See? It’s never too late to go back to school!

Best Sequel:  Thor: The Dark World
This movie made us feel like we were kids again. It was thrilling, funny, surprising and above all else – FUN!  “How’s space?” “Space is fine.”

Worst Sequel:  The Hangover Part III
Ugh.

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER: The Wolverine
FINALLY! A version of Wolverine that doesn’t suffer from the stupidity of his own storyline!

Shrinkage Award For Being Much Better In The Theater Than It Was At Home:  Pacific Rim
For some reason, watching this at home feels like a sequel to Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie.

Best Cast:  This is the End
The impressions those actors were doing of Franco, Robinson Rogen and Hill were SPOT ON.

Best Casting:  Ben Affleck as Bruce Wayne
Naysayers be damned, Affleck is THE perfect Bruce Wayne…you’d never believe that guy could be Batman.

ArrmchairMogul_Affleck_Exclusive

Best Foreshadowing: The Lone Ranger Trailer
The entire thing ended in a train wreck. NICE.

WarmBodies

“Deep Impact Award” for Being the Less Liked of Two Similar Movies:  White House Down
Olympus has Fallen…on Channing Tatum’s face.

Best Genre Twist:  Warm Bodies
Hey, Walking Dead‘s great and all, but we were suffering from a little zombie fatigue before this clever charmer reanimated our interest!

Worst Genre Twist:  Hansel and Gretel
Ugh.

“Joss Whedon Award” for Sticking the Landing:  Evil Dead
After years of rumor and conjecture, we get a remake that no one asked for that actually honors its source material without being slavishly hampered by it. Groovy!

“Lara Croft: Tomb Raider: The Candle of Life Award” For Most Ridiculous Title:  Tyler Perry’s Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor
Maybe 30Rock put it best with their Tyler Perry parody title, “Tracy Jordan’s Aunt Phatso’s Jack Donaghy’s We At It Again.”

“Dante’s Volcano Award” For Being Nearly Identical Movies Released At The Same Time:  Beautiful Creatures and The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones
Hey, what was that movie again, based on the worldwide bestseller about the girl born with incredible powers who must join the secret battle between the light side and the dark side while falling for a boy who encourages her to follow her heart and claim her destiny?

Biggest twist Ending: After Earth
Get a load of this final shot of the film…!

mknight2

Best Use of Science:  Sharknado
Because the sharks remain airborne in the tornado winds…until you shoot them. Then they fall. BAM. You just got scienced!

Trends

Worst Comeback:  80’s Villains
Kahn and Zod both made epic returns to cinemas this year…and no one cared.

DERPofSteelandDarkness

Biggest Superstar Trend: Sci-Fi Movies
Clooney in Gravity, Damon in Elysium, Cruise in Oblivion, Smith in After Earth. When the going gets tough trudge through a post apocalyptic landscape as humanity’s last hope. (Also Gravity – couldn’t wrap that one in – hey, they’re not all gems!)

Most Redundant Parody Subject:  Kanye West’s  Bound 2
James Franco & Seth Rogan, South Park, SNL and everyone on YouTube all took swings at a music video so ridiculous that it parodies itself.

 

Well, that’s it for us! Hope you like the new format as much as we do and here’s to a whole New Year of cozying up in the Armchair!

 

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